


i speak, i breathe, i'm incomplete

by dannydevito



Category: ARGONAVIS from BanG Dream! AAside (Video Game)
Genre: Introspection, M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:40:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26360563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dannydevito/pseuds/dannydevito
Summary: He just couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t feel anything.
Relationships: Kurama Tadaomi/Nijo Haruka
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	i speak, i breathe, i'm incomplete

**Author's Note:**

> [title taken from vampyre of time and memory by qotsa](https://youtu.be/rB4zs73hQIQ)

There wasn’t a lot of things  Tadaomi could say he genuinely liked. He was used to just going with the flow, liking what was popular, hearing what his classmates praised and copying them. It was just easier that way.  Tadaomi wasn’t left struggling to make a decision, he wasn’t second guessing himself, he didn’t have to worry about any of that. He didn’t have to worry about anyone picking up on the emptiness he felt inside that he’s kept hidden with nothing more than a superficial smile and empty small talk. 

Tadaomi always wondered how he ended up like this, how he struggled so hard with things he knew other people found easy. What was wrong with him? He knew logically he shouldn’t struggle so hard to just _feel_ things. Even with these tumultuous thoughts wracking his head constantly he didn’t feel anything beyond mild confusion, knew he should be in despair with how out of touch he felt with others.

He just couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried, he just _couldn’t feel_ _anything._

He listened to popular music on the radio, he watched all the blockbuster movies out in theatres and _nothing_. He thought maybe these things would rouse some sort of an emotional response from him but all they did was leave him more confused. Why couldn’t he tear up at a sad heartbreak song, why couldn’t he cheer when the super hero saved the day at the end of the movie. He just realized there was something wrong with him when he turned around and saw his peers reacting in ways he never could. At least naturally. 

Tadaomi got into music because he thought that would help bring him into touch with his emotions. Thought that maybe it would just give him the kick he needed. It didn’t. He approached his synthesizer the same way he approached a math equation. He treated his instrument like a puzzle and used logic to draw out sounds that he knew were popular. Listening to his own music back just left him puzzled, why couldn’t he connect to even this, why something _he created_ could leave him feel empty like this. 

He thought joining a band would help him, that creating something as intimate as music with his schoolmates would bring the real him out of himself. But again, this experience had just made him more puzzled with himself. Watching Shu and Kanata take delight in hurting others did nothing to him, knew he should find these morally reprehensible actions awful the way society dictated he should. At least he found his bandmates somewhat interesting, found himself looking forward to watching these events unfold from a front seat view, they were so different from the normal sheep he had found himself surrounded with.

Maybe, this empty husk was the real him. Maybe this blank canvas was all  Tadaomi was ever meant to be. 

Although, there was one person who when he was with  Tadaomi felt almost _human_.

Sitting on the couch in Haruka’s room, side to side with the younger teen, so close their arms were brushing against each other,  Tadaomi could almost swear he felt his heart flutter in interest. Watching the small flush spread high on Haruka’s cheeks stirred up an emotion in the third year he couldn’t  identify . 

“Dunno why you’re so pressed to watch  Tokusatsu with me.” Haruka mumbled around the spoonful of ice-cream lodged into the corner of his mouth.  Tadaomi dragged his eyes away from the other’s lips, studying the way his pouty lips shined from the syrup of his ice-cream, to meet annoyed blue eyes. 

“Hmm,”  Tadaomi hummed, smiling down at Haruka. “I just think they’re interesting.”

Haruka gave a non-committal grunt in response, turning his attention back to the screen, the theme song blasting out of the flat screen tv, the conversation apparently finished.  Tadaomi settled in to the cheesy show as well. He trained his eyes on the over the top theatrics happening in front of him but found all his attention focused on the teen sitting next him.  Tadaomi couldn’t help but notice every small sound Haruka made, from his quiet, barely  there grunts of displeasure when this  weeks villain showed up to the way he smiled when the heroes won a fight, probably not aware he was even doing it himself.  Tadaomi found himself unconsciously leaning into Haruka’s body heat, the other so absorbed in the show he didn’t even notice.

Tadaomi wasn’t lying when he said he found  Tokusatsu interesting, it just wasn’t the show itself that stole all this attention. 

**Author's Note:**

> this was ???? yeah lol. literally that song i linked up above came on shuffle earlier and i was like oooo wtf tadaomi and i blacked out and next thing i knew this was written
> 
> my [twit](https://twitter.com/giornah)


End file.
